I’m not really a vegetarian; I just don’t eat much meat because, well, I don’t like it. If given the choice between chicken or eggplant, steak or portobello mushrooms, fish or tofu, I would choose eggplant, mushroom, and, well, fish every time. (I do very much like fish, and is it really a meat? Like, really? I think it’s more of a sea vegetable. No offense, fish.)
This is not a moral thing. I respect life. I love it. It’s great. But, you know, animals eat each other all the time. And humans are animals. So it’s perfectly natural and not immoral at all to eat you some animals, in my book. It’s the circle of life, Lion King, etc. Now, I am against the inhumane treatment of farm animals, prefer to eat local and organic, and suspect every large food corporation of evilly making shortcuts at the expense of the public’s health in order to line their pockets because I am a conspiracy theorist at heart. Chiquita Banana? Money-grubbing whores! (Just kidding Chiquita Banana don’t sue me!)
It’s also not really a health thing. I do try to mostly eat healthy, but then again, I eat an alarming quantity of potato chips, which I believe are deep fried in the fat of a thousand babies they’re so good. (Unhealthy AND immoral!) So, obviously, I’m not that concerned with my health. I’m still in my 20’s, after all, and therefore immortal.
So the reason I don’t really eat meat is that, well, most meat is just kind of… bland. Like, what’s up with chicken? Without seasonings, it basically tastes of nothing. It tastes like the inside of my mouth already tastes. Chicken’s only function is to soak up whatever spices and seasonings are around it so then it tastes like those. It is the sponge of the food world (aside from the actual animal, the sponge). Beef has a little more merit, but I don’t do hamburger meat because I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer when I was younger and that episode with the meat grinder and the, well, NOT BEEF just won’t get out of my head. Steak is just really expensive and I’d rather have a plate of vegetables anyway, so why bother. Pork? Well, as long as it’s barbecue I’ll eat it. You cover just about anything in barbecue sauce and I’ll eat it. Pork chops, though? Pork tenderloin? Meh. No thanks. Bacon is really good, though. There is something seriously wrong with anyone who doesn’t like bacon. Possibly, a lack of taste buds.
Anyway, much to my fiance’s disappointment, I refuse to cook meat, too. I’ll eat it at a restaurant if I have no other choice (meat-centric bastards), but I won’t cook it. Because it’s gross and raw meat really freaks me out. As in like near-hyperventilation freak out. Especially chicken, because it looks like muscles! Cause it is muscles! It’s just sitting there on your counter, a floppy, glistening pile of something’s MUSCLES! I have way too active an imagination to be able to deal with that. And as my former roommates all know, lord help you if you are handling raw meat and then do something like open the fridge or turn on the faucet with your slimy, meaty, bacteria hands. I can be in a perfectly fine mood, and if you do that, some buried trigger goes off in me and I basically Hulk out, except with Clorox wipes and a lecture about salmonella. It’s not pretty.
And then there are vegetables, which are colorful and crunchy and versatile and full of vitamins and make your insides feel good! They come in a variety of tastes! You don’t have to worry nearly as much about you and your family dying of salmonella or mad cow disease or some other horrible illness while you cook them! Also, they’re usually less expensive than meat! Who doesn’t love vegetables? Clearly, vegetables are superior.
So anyway, all that being said, I’m learning how to cook! Because woman can only survive on Lean Cuisines and Easy Mac for about, oh, eight years, apparently. And for reasons stated above, all my meals are going to be pretty much vegetarian. Except there will definitely be cheese. Because cheese is my manna. And possibly eggs and milk, too, but there are non-dairy substitutes for those, so if you’re vegan or hardcore vegetarian (and more power to ya!) you can always make the appropriate substitutions. Anyway, all of this is by way of saying that I’m going to start sharing my cooking escapades and recipes (when successful) here on this blog. They will all be super simple, probably quick, and extremely easy, because I am a very hungry and not very patient person who knows almost nothing about cooking.
I’ll share the first recipe soon–probably my staple quick and easy and healthy meal: black bean, corn, and quinoa salad. I’m debating calling this segment “The N00b C00k.” Either that or “Neophyte Kitchen.” Or something else I haven’t thought of yet. Stay tuned!